What happened to Allan Folsom?

I like techno thrillers, hard SF and especially hard fantasy. I don't always read conspiracy thrillers, but when I do, I prefer Allan Folsom.

Having read two books from both authors, I considered Allan Folsom the 'good version' of Robert Ludlum (admittedly, The Sigma Protocol was ghostwritten). The Day After Tomorrow (no relation) ties all its plot threads together into an ending that's completely insane out of context, so I won't spoil it here. The Exile has a great opening scene, a strong central theme driving the hero's decisions, a good supporting cast, and a healthy dose of fanservice. The fact that it's internally structured as a trilogy makes me wonder why nobody's tried to film it yet.

Ever come across a sequel that makes you afraid to revisit the original in case it's not actually any good? Allow me to introduce the Machiavelli Covenant. No theme, jettisons the supporting cast of the Exile, without explanation for 600 pages. The protagonist has no defining characteristics. The conspiracy is as generic as possible. Say it with me: a cabal of politicians, scientists and businesspeople run the world from underground lairs. No twists on the concept, no self awareness, no dramatic reversals. The same character arc is repeated three times, and the only actual twist is that one of them was faking.

Here's the drinking game:

• Drink when three or more people are referred to by full name and title in quick succession. Drink again for each that has no dialogue in the following scene. If the heroes are trying to save this person, drink once for each hundred pages since you last heard their name.
• Drink when the same exposition is repeated on consecutive pages.
• Drink when the narrator interrupts dialogue for parenthetical exposition.
• Drink when hyphenation is used to imply clear enunciation, even-though-it-doesn't.
• Drink when an innocent official is conflicted, but then helps the heroes. There is no other possibility.
• Drink when someone uses a BlackBerry.
• Drink when computers are used fairly accurately, but with reverential awe. He clicked Safely Remove hardware! The computer granted him permission to remove the USB drive! (absolutely serious here)
• Drink when "the Middle East" and "the Muslim states" are used interchangeably.
• Drink when two guys are alone in the dark (yes, I was bored enough to see the slash fuel. I wish this weren't a running theme in these rants).
• Drink when you get Christina and Luciana mixed up. Otherwise known as any scene in which either appears.
• Drink when the book runs afoul of Godwin's law.

But the biggest disappointment? This 2006  conspiracy thriller has a minor villain named Langdon. Fingers were crossed for petty ultraviolence. But no, he has no lines and just gets arrested at the end.

Mass Effect 3, Hour 1

I rarely play games too soon after release, so this is about as timely as my commentary is going to get. I've been working my way through the Mass Effect series for the first time this year, and yesterday I started the third installment.

The structure at the start is pretty frustrating. First there's a massive infodump about the first game. Then there's a battle sequence. Then you go to Mars, at which point you hear the first reference to the events of Mass Effect 2. I know little was accomplished in Mass Effect 2, but it shouldn't take half an hour to acknowledge that the main character just quit Space Al Qaeda.

How did that work, by the way? Did Shepard land on Earth, in a terrorist ship full of fugitive aliens and illegal tech, and announce he wanted to defect? OK, but why did they let him keep the ship? Why is EDI still operational? Of course Cerberus is introduced with their favourite pastime, killing humans. Just kill one volus, please. Little guys in high pressure suits. It'll be funny. As it is Shepard is plausibly the only Cerberus agent to ever kill a batarian.

So we're looking for a weapon that can kill Reapers. I have an idea...

"What could possibly stop a Reaper?"

"Main gun on the Normandy."

"Maybe something on Mars..."

"The gun that killed Sovereign."

"...something made by the protheans?"

"We upgraded it, killed a Collector ship with it. Just a suggestion."

Given that Shepard is introduced by having the situation explained to him, then responding with platitudes, I have a suggestion for an alternate opening:

Shepard gives a presentation to the Alliance (and any new players) on Reaper capabilities. Armour, weapons, maneuverability, husks, indoctrination, everything he spent two games learning. Then he gets in the Normandy... and finds out that Sovereign and the Collectors, stuck in the middle of the galaxy, are several thousand years out of date by Reaper standards.

Again, this is just based on the first hour. These quibbles may be resolved, and I'm assured larger ones will come along.

Riveting

Or: Fuck you, Joseph Conrad.

So I picked up Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. Meant to be one of the all time great quest narratives. Guy travels up a river to meet a guy, who it turns out committed an atrocity. How is this clear, driving goal established?

"In a few days the Eldorado Expedition went into the patient wilderness, that closed upon it as the sea closes over a diver. Long afterwards the news came that all the donkeys were dead. I know nothing as to the fate of the less valuable animals. They, no doubt, like the rest of us, found what they deserved. I did not inquire. I was then rather excited at the prospect of meeting Kurtz very soon. When I say very soon I mean it comparatively. It was just two months from the day we left the creek when we came to the bank below Kurtz's station."

No one ever has any discernible goal beyond "talk to cool guy", and even that is hastily dropped.

But I get ahead of myself, something the narrative fails to do. The first third of the book is nameless faceless guy listens to guy we don't care about talk about the time he had to talk to guys he didn't care about.

Then we get the rivets scene. The best part of the book. Marlow requires rivets to fix his boat, but none can be found. Actual conflict! Relevant to the characters profession! Forcing him to interact with people he might ignore otherwise, causing him to discover more about the setting! Then the 'quest' starts in 'earnest', without so much as noting the arrival of the rivets.

Conrad keeps making choices counterproductive to tension or verisimilitude. For instance, the narrator has a monologue about how he hates lies. If you have to jump up and down yelling about how reliable your narrator is, either you're setting up a really stupid twist, or the framing device is not doing the story any favours. The novel also features the worst action scene I've ever read. We have the protagonist, two mauve shirts and about thirty red shirts. They get attacked by a hidden enemy force. Halfway through the scene, nobody has been so much as wounded, and the protagonist has time to wonder if he is actually in any danger. Then a mauve shirt dies. Of course, since the deceased was black, he had no personality or goals, but his death helps the white protagonist sort some of his own issues out. This is one of the least racist aspects of the story.

The edition I read had critical annotations. This made it rather unsettling when the protagonist starts reading an annotated text. The annotations also have to be as obtuse as possible. A map is described by colour of empires. I already knew Britain was red, but turned to the annotations for rest of the code. Of course, one cannot simply say "Yellow = Belgium", but rather the author is alluding to the concept that yellow represents Belgium.

As an aside, this has to be the most homoerotic book I've ever read. 'He invited me back to his cabin ... he was pumping me". "Squirting lead." "We talked of everything ... of love too." Ah, the gay nineties.

To whiplash back to the supposed climax, what happens when man is wholly corrupted by his environment? When he gives over to his baser instincts and leaves humanity behind? He owns six severed heads. That's it. Six. In his career. In the Belgian Free Congo. Where severed hands were legal tender. And the annotations cite a captain who owned twenty-one. Perhaps this is a Psycho/Silence of the Lambs situation, where at the time a watered down version of events was beyond scandalous.

I'm just left with questions. Was Marlow meant to retrieve Kurtz or  just the ivory?  If he wants nothing to do with Kurtz, why does he pursue him? What were his grand ideas? Just genocide, or something more? What are the unsound methods? How is Marlow party to them? Why does he consider himself loyal to Kurtz? Why do the pilgrims consider him loyal? Did they actually try to kill him?

At least now I'm glad Swearengen didn't tell him something pretty.

Webcomics, Part 2

Nic Buxom by Nic
Autobiographical comic by a professional dominatrix. Interesting subject presented in a cute way.

The Non-Adventures of Wonderella by Justin Pierce
Wonder Woman as a lazy, selfish alcoholic. Once a week, usually parodies whichever superhero movie just came out.

NSFW: Oglaf by Trudy Cooper
Fantasy + sex = hilarity. The main plot concerns an extremely unlucky apprentice to a sorceress. Some jokes do require knowledge of Celtic folklore or Oscar Wilde to understand.

Our Valued Customers by MRTIM
Strange things said by real people in a comic book store, illustrated. Distinctive art and, being based in reality, always surprising.

Overcompensating by Jeffrey Rowland
Jeffrey Rowland runs Topatoco and supplies the image for necrosis. This is, very loosely speaking, his journal comic. Often features other artists from this list as characters.

Penny Arcade by Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins
This one is obvious. It's been running for over a decade, defined the gaming webcomic as a subgenre, spawned conventions, a charity, a game series, an online reality show, and potentially a feature film.

The Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
This has been on hiatus since 2008. The general rule of comics is the fewer words, the better. Gurewitch is the master of conveying meaning quickly through art alone, or a handful of words. His artistic range covers a variety of styles as well.

pictures for sad children by john campbell
imagine magical realism that's so depressing it loops around and becomes hilarious. this is like that.

Questionable Content by Jeph Jacques
If you're reading this because you were in my circle of friends in high school, you already have favourite characters and ships you'd die to defend. For everyone else, very good slice of life comic with a large roster of characters, great art evolution and serious character beats amidst the hilarity. Also most of the characters are on Twitter.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weiner
Before you start reading this: the red circle below the comic has an extra panel. Nothing worse than being halfway through the archive before you realise that. Statistically the second funniest thing ever. In some cases the image will establish an expectation, the caption will subvert it, the second line of the caption changes the meaning again, and the extra panel again changes the meaning. Weiner has also written other comics on this list, and has a sketch comedy show.

Scenes From a Multiverse by Jonathan Rosenberg
Well drawn, very funny comic about life in an "ordinary, everyday multiverse". Each week readers vote for one scene to be continued the next week, so each week Rosenberg is trying to create more interesting characters and settings than the last.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK. SERIOUSLY, THIS IS "THE ARISTOCRATS" TERRITORY HERE: Sexy Losers by Clay
One of those cases where the content warning tells you everything you need to know.

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida
Another long runner. The allegory can get a bit dense at times, but the art is great, especially the extra long, colour Sunday strips. Slick is my id.

Snowflakes by James Ashby, Chris Jones and Zach Weiner
More kid friendly than most of this list. Seven kids in an orphanage have adventures. One believes Jesus was a Viking, and has memorised the pressure points of a kraken.

Three Panel Soul by Matthew Boyd and Ian McConville
Autobiographical comic following on from Mac Hall, which I admittedly never read. Brilliant art in a variety of styles.

Tree Lobsters by Steve D
Conversations between arboreal lobsters, usually about skepticism or science fiction.

Wigu by Jeffrey Rowland
I've only read the more recent stories, but this has a thousand page archive. At this point, it's a kid having adventures involving a surreal alternate dimension. Since the author also writes Overcompensating and manages merchandise for most of the comics on this list, it's not updated often.

Wondermark by David Malki !
Webcomic made from photoshopped 19th century illustrations. Features ironic shirts, aliens and the majestic piranhamoose.

xkcd by Randall Munroe
You knew this was going to be here. Second or third webcomic I started reading in high school, took the zeitgeist by storm, Munroe as voice of a geek generation, inevitable backlash, equilibrium, etc.

v0.1

They say all innovation starts with boredom. Jimmy, I said to myself, there’s no shortage of that now.

I found myself deeper than I’d ever been, deeper than any reasonable person would go.

I turned on the lights.

Took a moment to adjust, but things were, well they were better than expected.

Not wanting to go mad down here, I set a day/night cycle. That’s something accomplished, then.

I got the renovation systems running, and set up the command centre far above the testing floor. Something else to cross off the list.

The bottom levels were flooded. A diagnostic had already found the leak, but it was too big to deal with yet. I had that area sealed off and the rest drained.

I opened the Central catalogue and went a little nuts.

I ordered seeds and embryos of just about everything fully documented. If they complained, I’d just tell them I was testing field conditions.

The local backup generator looked like it could light up the whole space, so I set that under the command centre. I also put an old star map on the ceiling, cause why not? Keep everything naturalistic, you don’t discover any new forms of madness.

Maybe I’ll change things up later.

It was time to start testing, so I ordered a couple of humans from Central.

And this is where things started to go wrong for poor Jimmy.

Webcomics, Part 1

I read a lot of webcomics. Allow me to enumerate, with some notes beforehand. First, allow me to recommend Archive Binge, which allows you to read the available comics at the rate you choose, daily, two on Thursdays and Saturdays, whatever.

Secondly, I used to read Control Alt Delete. It was the second or third webcomic I started reading, so grandfather clauses applied for a while. Then I started reading criticism and seeing the deficiencies, but I was still invested in the characters. So I was momentarily glad at the prospect of a more serious character focused arc, but you probably know which one I'm talking about. After that, I read it asking myself questions like, "did Buckley manage to get the punchline in the right panel today?" This went on for a long time before I gave up completely.

On to what I currently read or have finished, in alphabetical order. Drink when you see a Canadian.

A Softer World by Joey Comeau and Emily Horne
Joke a day strip with surreal jokes over beautiful photography.

Axe Cop by Malachai and Ethan Nicolle
If you aren't reading Axe Cop, do so now. It's the imagination of a six year old illustrated by his thirty year old brother. There is a ghost dragon tyrannosaurus. Abraham Lincoln blows people up. Unicorn horns grant wishes.

Bug by Adam Huber
Four jokes united by a common theme each weekday.

Cyanide and Happiness by Rob DenBleyker, Dave McElfatrick, Matt Melvin and Kris Wilson
Joke a day, done by four different guys, all with stick figures, respects no boundaries. You've probably heard of this one.

Captain Stupendous by Zach Weiner and Chris Jones
Single story, now a graphic novel (name was changed from Excelsior to Stupendous for legal reasons). A superhero's ex-wife is getting remarried. From there it gets very strange. Features the most interesting take on superhero disguises I've seen.

Concerned by Chris Livingston
A bumbling idiot precedes the events of Half-Life 2, done entirely in Garry's Mod. Livingston also ran Not My Desk, 1fort, Living in Oblivion, First Person Shouter, First Person Observer (read the comments section), and now runs Screen Cuisine.

Dinosaur Comics by Ryan North
Comic that uses the same art every day. Survives on the writing of computational linguist Ryan North. Three dinosaurs discuss any and all topics. Has been running since 2003. I use Archive Binge for the old ones as well since continuity is pretty weak.

Dr McNinja by Chris Hastings, coloured by Anthony Clark
This is about a doctor who is also a ninja. There are also raptor bandits, and Dracula has a moonbase. Yes, there is an Axe Cop crossover. You can start at the beginning, or with the first coloured comic.

Dresden Codak by Aaron Diaz
Science fiction comic that started as just one off jokes. Now each page takes months to complete and there is a recurring cast and arcs. There are problems with the storytelling and there is no schedule to speak of, but it always looks amazing.

Eight-Bit Theater by Brian Clevinger
Sprite comic based on Final Fantasy I, which I haven't played. Completed, I'm reading using Archive Binge.

Fleep by Jason Shiga
I've also read Bookhunter by Shiga, but I need to read more. Fleep is the story of I man trapped in a phone booth after a building collapses around it. Then he realises he doesn't speak the local language of wherever he is.

Freakangels by Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield.
No not the musician Warren Ellis, but the guy who wrote Transmetropolitan, which I still need to read. Freakangels is about twelve psychics with a hive mind (yes, you should be thinking of the Midwich Cuckoos) who accidentally destroyed civilisation and are now trying to fix things. It's almost finished at time of writing.

Garfield Minus Garfield by Dan Walsh
Exactly what it sounds like. Turns out Jon is crazy.

NSFW: Ghastly's Ghastly Comic by Chris Cracknell
Very, very NSFW strip that showed what would happen if hentai tropes, particularly tentacle monsters, happened in the real world.

Girl Genius by Phil & Kaja Foglio
Firstly, it's not steampunk, it's gaslamp fantasy, apparently. What if Victorian Europe was controlled by mad scientists? Reading this with Archive Binge.

Girls With Slingshots by Danielle Corsetto
Nice slice of life comic. Not on Archive Binge, so I haven't read the whole archives (what is this, the dark ages?).

Great Showdowns by Scott C.
Cute art depicting famous film conflicts.

Hark! A Vagrant by Kate Beaton
History and literature comics. Good art, very funny.

Indexed by Jessica Hagy
Graph jokes.

Irregular Webcomic and associated projects by David Morgan-Mar et al.
Irregular Webcomic is one of the longest and most regularly updated comics out there. It's also one of the few made by an Australian. There are multiple plot threads involving pirates fantasy adventurers, Shakespeare, Steve Irwin and the Mythbusters. The main draw for me is the scientific annotations, particularly this one. The site also hosts other projects. Darths and Droids is a Star Wars version of DM of the Rings and codified the tropes of that particular subgenre. Mezzacotta is the longest webcomic in existence. Lightning Made of Owls allows anyone to submit a comic using a predefined set of characters. Square Root of Minus Garfield is endless Garfield remixes. Comments on a Postcard may have some database issues, but the art is always experimental and the annotations very helpful.

Magpie Luck by Katie Sekelsky
Time travel adventures.

Manly Guys Doing Manly Things by Kelly Turnbull
Video game action heroes try to cope with normal life. Came close to being picked up by The Escapist. This arc has gone viral in Pokemon circles.

Plenty more to come.

Short Story: Geometric

My car came to a stop outside the park, and I erased the line of action from the nav square. I’m cautious like that.

The body was near a stand of trees. Beth was already there.

“Do we know who it is?” I asked.

“One Nathan Ogilvy, Research and Development for General Chalk.”

“Cause of death?”

“See for yourself.”

It wasn’t pretty. I could hardly see his eyes for the blood. There was more around the mouth. No other visible wounds.

“Scene secured?”

“Violence search found nothing past the victim’s face and hands. They’re breaking the spell down, blooding it. Some of the victim’s blood already collected for a search.”

Both checks failed. Violence got a bird eating a worm. None of the victims blood was anywhere but his body, at least from the past 24 hours. No marks of the victim or underneath.

Beth just stared at the body. “He did this to himself.”

There was a call from the trees. One of the officers had found what looked like a marked tree. Then we found another. And another.

“From the right angle on the path, it could be a complete seal,” Beth said.

“The hex connectors are right, but what would the trigger be?”

Beth stopped and stared at me. “It’s mental. Reading the seal triggers the effect in the brain, where there’s too much interference for us to detect it.”

“I’ve only seen maybe five mental seals in my life, never anything more complicated than euphoria or something. This was perfectly broken up, too.”

We walked back to the path. The top of the seal was obscured by shadow.

“Dawn. It could only be seen around dawn.” Beth said.

“Especially since one of the symbols is gone.“ I said. The seal was incomplete, missing the highest portion.

“Complex construction, precisely timed, single ring, with a symbol that probably doesn’t exist officially.” Beth summarised. “Now what?”

“I think it’s time to talk to someone from General Chalk.”